by Maggie Kruger 

So the nice exterminator has been to visit and there is now rat poison aplenty in my basement – the Mousekewitz family were in fact the cast of Willard and now their verminous behinds are paying the price for attempting to colonize my apartment.  I’m slightly worried that they’re going to seek vengeance and aren’t eating the poison at all but biding their time until they can come and attack me and my pet gerbils, so I’ve been doing my research: you never know when you’ll need to defend yourself against an animal attack…

1. Rats

OK, I’m screwed.  It’s a well-known fact that when the apocalypse comes, the only creatures to survive will be cockroaches and rats, and the movie world appears to bear this fact out.  The reason I’m so terrified of rats is that them critters is intelligent, and über-horrors Willard and Ben do nothing to dissuade me from this idea: intelligent rats befriend lonely boys and bad thing ensue.  Watch the trailers… these are the scenes currently unfolding in my basement!

2. Dogs

Ah, man’s best friend.  I like dogs, I like dogs a lot: Eight Below is lovely and sad and inspiring… and Snoopy is a particularly favourite character.  But wait…what’s this I see on my TV screen? Cujo? Old Yeller? White Dog?  *goes off to arm myself with something to fend off big scary rabid and possibly racist dogs*.  You never got that kind of crap with Lassie, you know.

My Hero.

3. Spiders

Up until recently, I thought there were only spiders in my basement, and we had a deal. I wouldn’t bother them, and they wouldn’t bother me. Occasionally some brave maverick would attempt to claim the bathroom as spider territory, but I’d send a flatmate in to deal with it.  I’ve never been a massive fan of spiders, but when I saw Arachnophobia, well, that was it: I immediately summoned John Goodman to come and live with me.

I should also possibly mention Shelob from Lord of the Rings here…the only thing in the entire trilogy that’s scarier than Orlando Bloom’s ‘acting’.  However not all spiders are evil…. I live in hope that at least one of the spiders in the basement is friendly like the one in Charlotte’s Web and has got my back.

4. Birds

What’s that you say?  ‘Birds, Maggie? Birds?  Birds aren’t scary, you silly sausage!’. Well just do me a wee favour and watch this trailer…

5. Dinosaurs

Look, I’m just covering all the bases here.  You never know, Jurassic Park could come true one day.  Every time it’s on TV the gerbils get all overexcited and spend the next week pretending to be velociraptors… so if anyone’s got Jeff Goldblum’s number, do me a solid and ask if he wants to move to London…?  There’s really no way to escape a dinosaur attack, apart, of course, from standing stock still if you’ve got a T-Rex after you. The same method also works on door to door salesmen and aged relatives who want to pinch your cheek.

In theory, I should include cats here, but I’m not worried about a moggie attack – I’m well able to deal with the odd evil furball – catnip is a brilliant thing.  And besides, how could anyone think this lot are evil?

So, what have I learned about surviving animal/arachnid/dinosaur attacks?  Probably that it’s best to leave them to the professionals…. Or get the Beastmaster in! 😉

Maggie Kruger fell asleep on her dad’s lap on her first cinema trip to watch Return of the Jedi in 1983, and has loved the movies ever since, even going so far as to study them at college, where she worked on a number of short films. She lives and works in London, UK, and will tell you that her favourite film is Dr Strangelove, although when pressed will also admit a certain weakness for 1980’s brat pack movies and most of Adam Sandler’s early work. Follow her on Twitter: @emmizzykay .