by Maggie Kruger

Bethany: What’s he like?

Metatron: God? Lonely. But funny. He’s got a great sense of humour. Take sex for example. There’s nothing funnier than the ridiculous faces you people make mid-coitus.

— Dogma, 1999, dir. Kevin Smith

I should give you a bit of background – a few years back I was quasi-editor of the movie pages for a (sadly now-defunct) website called The Mucky Book Club. My role was to review films based on their (ahem) muckiness, and I would also on occasion write the odd longer piece on how the beast with two backs was portrayed on film. God only knows what Big Brother (and my mum) would make of my browser history and Netflix queue around that time.

So one evening, there I sat, idly fast forwarding my way through ‘Color of Night’, the subpar Bruce Willis thriller described by a lads mags as having  “the Hottest Sex Scene ever committed to celluloid”… What follows is a (slightly edited) version of the blog post that followed…

In the name of research last night, I was surfing through Netflix, looking for movies with mucky bits that I could bring to you, dear Reader. Under the category of ‘steamy thrillers’ I discovered Color of Night, starring Bruce Willis and Jane March. Whilst I’m a bit of a Bruce fan (conveniently forgetting his ill-advised pop career in the 1980s), I’d never seen this film but remembered it got a bit of stick  on its initial release for having far too much sex in it – which obviously makes it perfect for the MBC!

As I hit play I opened up Wikipedia for the synopsis which looked a bit dull, although under critical reception I see a lad’s mag said it had the sexiest scenes in a film ever, so for speeds sake decided to fast forward through the dull bits to see for myself what those sexy sexy sex scenes were like.

Oh my days.

OK, so the shagging itself is uneventful (swimming pool, shower, kitchen table, blah blah), and less prolific than you’d expect for all the fuss that was made about it. But a fleeting moment disturbed me. Made me shriek and hide my face in a pillow.

Just above this sentence. That’s Bruce Willis’ Sex Face.

I’m all for realistically depicted sex, I really am. But let’s be honest, is there a one of us out there who hasn’t looked up, down or around mid-wriggle and wondered what on earth THAT face is all about?

Which led me on a marathon 2 hour journey on the interwebs finding a real treat for you: The worst sex faces in Hollywood! Here’s what I came up with.

Michael Douglas (Basic Instinct): Sex scene? Or prostate examination?

Kyle McLachlan (Showgirls): Has just come in his pants, or shat in them. Not sure which.

 

Matt Dillon (Wild Things): I’ve never had someone do an Elvis impression when he’s in bed with me, but I can’t imagine it’s especially hot.

 

Sly Stallone (Demolition Man): He’s either doing it, or trying to work out what 23 x 945 is.

 

Kevin Kline (A Fish Called Wanda): I know, I know – not serious… We’ve all been there though (haven’t we? Oh god, please tell me we’ve all been there!)

Can you think of any others? Please, feel free to share in the Rogue’s Gallery of Terrible Sex Faces!