by Dave Umbricht
Ten years ago or so I enlisted the help of a career counselor to determine what I should do with my life. She provided personality tests and skills tests and enough multiple choice questions to give you a headache.
After many hours, hundred of questions, and perhaps, too many dollars, the coach gave me the answer. In fact, she told me that she had never seen anyone score so highly in my determined category.
I was sure the answer I was about to receive would change the course of my life. Then she told me. The answer to what job I was most suited for:
Spiritual Leader
Uh, gee, thanks. What the hell does that mean?
So now that you know what category I fit in, let’s put you all in a box. Answer the following 20 questions to determine your “horror personality”.
Provide your answers in the comment section (and feel free to answer why you gave the answer). I will post an answer key later this week so you can score yourselves at home.
And if you don’t play this game, rest assured, my murderous cult will hunt you down (we’re all horror, all the time in October here at ForgottenFlix).
The Horror Personality Test
- Frankenstein’s monster, Dracula, or the Mummy?
- Bela Lugosi or Christopher Lee?
- Haunted house or possessed child?
- Wes Craven or Dario Argento?
- Michael Myers or Jason Voorhees?
- Fast Zombies or Slow Zombies?
- Best found footage horror film?
- Creepiest inanimate object?
- Which is worse, scientific arrogance that leads to transforming yourself into a fly, or arrogance that leads to the murder of an innocent ape that accidentally rampages through Manhattan?
- Which horror film would be most improved with the addition of Woody Allen?
- The monster in the shadows, or the monster in full view?
- Most frightening religious sect or cult on film?
- What’s the best reason for a ghost to get revenge?
- What annoying addition would George Lucas make to Nightmare on Elm Street if he put out a special edition of it?
- Best horror anthology film?
- Does all work and no play really make Jack a dull boy?
- If you unearthed a prehistoric creature with an unknown lifeform attached, would you thaw it out?
- Who is more empathetic, Chucky or Leatherface?
- Oliver Reed rules: True or False?
- Best horror movie of all time?
1. Dracula for the personality.
2. Bella Lugosi (more suave).
3. Possessed child. I ain’t afraid of no ghosts.
4. Wes Craven.
5. Michael Myers.
6. Slow zombies.
7. Blair Witch is best and scariest.
8. Any sort of lifeless doll, bonus if it’s a puppet, triple score if the puppet’s mouth is slack/his eyes are creepy.
9. The ape. It’s all on you for the fly but all those people and the ape didn’t deserve that.
10. Good question! Maybe Friday the 13th part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan? probably the most natural fit. I thought of other horror spoofs like Young Frankenstein or Shawn of the Dead but they’re fine on their own.
11. I am a monster in full view guy. Not that I don’t appreciate movies like Jaws or Lovecraftian ‘beyond the spheres’ stuff, I mostly just like really cool monsters. And getting to see them eat/kill really attractive people.
12. I’m having trouble thinking up a sect or cult I can really remember. Maybe the ones from The Last Exorcism because you meet all of them and they’re so normal?
13. Because they were murdered, particularly if they were murdered by, say, a gang of douchebag teenagers, so years later they exact the same sort of vengeance on an equally annoying group of kids.
14. Adding CGI storm troopers riding CGI dinosaurs to the exterior shots.
15. Tales From the Darkside: The Movie. I like Stephen King, so The Cat From Hell part was great, and I didn’t guess the twist for the Gargoyle story so it blew my mind.
16. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no
play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All
work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull
boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes
Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no
play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All
work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull
boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes
Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no
play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All
work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull
boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes
Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no
play makes Jack a dull boy.
17. Hell no, ship that thing as far away from here as possible and let it be examined by top men. *Top* men.
18. Annie Wilkes.
19. True.
20. Gah, Umbricht you bastard, making me choose…I want to say Silence of the Lambs but that always seems more crime than horror for me. It’s probably Halloween, that’s the one thing I look forward to watching, and being a bit scared by, every year during this season. Myers is such a cool villain, I only wish they hadn’t unmasked him in the end.
1 Frankenstein’s monster2 Christopher Lee- Always.3 Haunted house- Kids scare me enough as it is.4 Wes Craven5 Jason Voorhees6 Slow Zombies7 Blair Witch Project still makes me nervous.8 The cellar door in Evil Dead.9 Arrogance that leads to the murder of an innocent ape that accidentally rampages through Manhattan10 None?11 Always in the shadows. That’s why I like the Evil Dead movies. You don’t exactly know what IT is, just the various objects/people it possesses.12 Sam Raimi in Josh Becker’s THou Shall Not Kill… Except. *shiver*13 Violent, torturous murder.14 Making Glen be watching A Star Wars Christmas instead of Evil Dead when Freddie gets him15 Alfred Hitchcock Presents is always my favorite. I’m so old-fashionedly entertained.16 Great party, isn’t it?17 Hells yeah! But it would be thawing in a warehouse somewhere far, far, far away from my location.18 Leatherface19 True.20 I am tied between Evil Dead 2 and the original Hills Have Eyes
1. Dracula. The Mummy was my boy in my youth but I gotta give it up for Drac.
2. Even though I just started watching Hammer Horror, Christopher Lee.
3. Haunted house.
4. Wes Craven, with a Goblin soundtrack.
5. Michael Myers.
6. Slow Zombies are the only true zombies. Fast undead are infected.
7. [REC]
8. I’m blanking on this, but I’ll go with that monkey toy with the cymbals.
9. The ape one.
10. Woody Allen as Ash. I wanna see him with a chainsaw on his arm. Let the horrific, neurotic humor ensue. (I’m not looking at the other answers but I’m sure Evil Dead will be a popular one. I don’t care, still going with it.)
11. The monster in the shadows. But hopefull he comes out and rips some heads off towards the end.
12. Catholicism is always good for a scare.
13. They got murdered and done wrong.
14. Oh, God. Don’t even make me think of this. Of course Freddy would be CG (that’s the way he was originally envisioned naturally) and having always been annoyed with the way Heather Langenkamp ran, her steps would be shortened by three inches each making for a much more natural gait.
15. Creepshow
16. Yes, it does actually.
17. In real life, no. If I was in a horror movie, I’d be the guy saying we should hold on and think about this and then sneak off with it to thaw it by myself, thus dooming everyone.
18. Leatherface, because being brought up in that environment he never had a chance.
19. True.
20. Dawn of the Dead
That was fun!
1. Frankenstein’s Monster
2. Bela Lugosi
3. Haunted house
4. Neither or both, can’t choose one over the other, both scare me equally
5. Wes Craven
6. Slow zombies
7. The Blair Witch Project
8. Dolls
9. Arrogance that leads to the murder of an innocent ape that accidentally rampages through Manhattan is worse.
10. 1957’s I Was a Teenage Werewolf starring Michael Landon
11. The monster in the shadows
12 voodoo/zombism
13. Loss of a true love
14. George Lucas himself now plays Glen’s (Johnny Depp) father.
15. Twilight Zone
16. Yes
17. Yes, but accidentally, due to laziness of not putting it into cold storage fast enough.
18. Leatherface. With the possible exception of Pinocchio, I have no tolerance for anything that used to be a doll or is a doll. Action figures, like in Small Soldiers get a pass.
19. Yes
20. Dracula 1931 with Philip Glass score and Evil Dead 2. My favorites at the moment.
I like old classic horror films, funny horror, suspense, and terror of the mind vs. gore.
In the spirit of full disclosure, I should say I have not seen Blair Witch but I admire the filmmakers’ vision and drive to get this movie into theaters. I have seen parts of Nightmare but not the whole thing. In addition, I truly, truly dislike 98% of all dolls and clowns and the movies that feature them mostly scare the crap out of me, including Coraline.
Tried to answer this twice yesterday but my computer’s playing up… hopefully it’ll work this time:
1. Frankenstein’s monster – he’s a misunderstood hero.2. Christopher Lee – classic. 3. Possessed child – you know my views on babysitting. 4. Wes Craven – I like postmodernism with my gore. 5. Michael Myers – rockin a William Shatner mask like no-one’s business. 6. Slow Zombies. Never seen a fast Zombie. 7. Only seen Blair Witch so have to go with that.8. The Freeling’s TV9. The ape, definitely the ape.10. Woody Allen as Hannibal Lector. 11. The monster in the shadows, always the monster in the shadows 12. Children of the Damned, do they count? Also Christopher Lee’s yellow polo shirt in Wicker Man is pretty scary but not sure we can extend that to the whole sect.13. Being used as a plot device for a terrible Eddie Murphy movie 14 He’d make Freddy a CGI Gungan. 15. One of the Vincent PRice ones, forget the title though.16. Does all work and no play really make Jack a dull boy? Well, going out to play in teh maze didn’t exactly end well for him, so…17 Only with sigourney Weaver and a dispensible c-list actor by my side. 18. Leatherface. I think he had acne and that’s why he had to wear the flesh mask, poor lamb.19 Hell yeah.20. Torn between The Exorcist, Cronenberg’s The Fly and Rosemary’s Baby.
Let me just add that this is my favorite of the Halloween themed contests so far because I’m dying to hear the results. It’s a neat trick, every personality quiz should make you wait for the results, builds tension.
1. Dracula2. Bela Lugosi3. Haunted house 4. Wes Craven 5. Jason Voorhees. The dude is a beast!6. Slow Zombies. Nobody wants Sonic the Hedgehog eating his/her brain.7. “Quarantine”8. Clown dolls9. Scientific arrogance that leads to transforming yourself into a fly. At the end of the day your ears and fingernails start falling off and you can’t quite keep a steady relationship.10. “Halloween” (John Carpenter version)11. Monster in full view. Where’s my boomstick?!12. Children of the Corn13. What’s the best reason for a ghost to get revenge? = If “you moved the headstones but you didn’t move the bodies!!”14. Jar Jar Binks, probably.15. Tales From the Darkside: The Movie16. No. It’s makes for a pretty colorful Jack.17. That sucker’s going right back in the freezer section.18. Leatherface. Haven’t you seen his interpretative dance moves?19. Super true20. Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn